I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The uberlube is also flammable
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
