She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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