You work out of a Hotel?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
