Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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