Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
