I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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