M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
