Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
