that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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