I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
