i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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