Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
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