distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I want to be your penis for a week.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
