I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
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She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
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You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
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