dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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