I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Randomize
