You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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