I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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