I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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