so explain again why im purple
no
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
