home. puking in laundry basket.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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