I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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