life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
