thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
