After last night, I could never be a politician.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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