Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
