It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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