I murdered the dance floor call the cops
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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