I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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