I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
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Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
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Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
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