I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Two words: nipple clamps
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