that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
