so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
