Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
