All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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