my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
