I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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