My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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