im six kinds of drunk right now
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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