But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i think i have herpe
just one?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
