If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
