Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
