Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
