The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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