u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
