I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
