I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
He kissed a someone with a penis
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
