i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
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I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
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No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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