Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
