Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
