foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
