i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just found a bag of teeth...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
