Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
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I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
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Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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