I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
